How to Stay Out of Trouble

There'll be no police blotter haiku this week. I sat down this morning to pound them out as usual, but nothing came. It felt like a chore. And that's not good.

So I'll take a few days off and, with luck, those 17-syllable short stories will flow again. Better than ever, I hope.

In the meantime, let's discuss what I've learned these past few months. I've read hundreds of police blotter and crime log articles from the nation's newspapers to get haiku material. I've read exhaustively about the oh-so-many-ways that people get into trouble.

So if you want to stay out of trouble instead of ending up n the "Cops and Courts" section of your local paper, follow this advice:

Don't drink and drive. If you must drink and drive, don't keep an open bottle of beer in the cup holder for the police to find. Or a crack pipe under the seat along with baggies of crack and loose Xanax capsules.

Remember that your neighbors are not superhuman. Most people can barely pay the bills and get themselves to work on time, so it is unlikely that your neighbors have trained all the dogs on the street to bark in unison when you are trying to sleep.

Nor is it likely that they have ways of making the earth vibrate on command. Or that they have organized a cabal of thugs to lurk nearby whenever you want to go out and garden.

If you have these thoughts, the staff of Tales from the Coast suggest that you consult your doctor about dosage issues with your medications. Or, perhaps, that you might need some.

Lock your doors and windows when you leave the house. Many stars of police blotter items have not mastered this discipline. Those that have, leave their automobiles unlocked instead. America's streets are full of unlocked cars, their back seats loaded with laptop computers, iPods and, for some reason, pressure washers.

Apple Computer's Steve Jobs must be the patron saint of house and auto burglars, for without the technologies he perfected there'd be relatively little worth stealing. Except for cash and drugs and, of course, pressure washers.

Abstaining from certain risky behaviors will also stand you in good stead. Avoid lighting a cigarette while breathing oxygen from a tank. Do I need to spell it out for you?

Do not pelt armed policemen with snowballs, because you do not know what kind of day they've had. And while unprotected sex with strangers is always risky, so is leaving your new partner alone with your purse or wallet. A day or two after that special night you could hear from a car dealer in Alabama about the new Lexus someone's trying to buy on your card.

If you are a gun owner, exercise your Second Amendment rights proudly but with care. Do not target-shoot in your back yard, or attempt to shoot "rabid bats" out of the sky in the cause of public health. The neighbors will not understand. If you wish to salute a wedding or funeral with gunfire, first consult your local law enforcement agency .

If you are a woman, be wary of the more squirrely type of ex-boyfriend. Always make a clean break, brutal though it may be. Extinguish all hope from his brain. Else you might find him sleeping on your porch or in your car, or rummaging around your house when you're not home thanks to the "extra" spare key he didn't tell you he made. If he merely deflates your tires when you're not around, you got off easy.

Even if you're on good terms with your ex, be wary of offers to babysit your mutual child. Until you find a new hiding place for the household money and the spare car keys.

If you're a man, be grateful that squirrely ex-girlfriends are not as threatening as squirrely ex-boyfriends. But it is always best to make the clean break, and especially to make it clear that you are not leaving her for another woman. Even if you are. Unless you want her to come through the window at you and your new girlfriend while the two of you are in bed.

And remember: when you're angry at someone, alcohol never makes it better. Though dope might.

In short, obey the Three Rules for Sane Living:

• Don't bother other people
• If you're other people, don't get bothered too easily.
• Watch your ass.

Do these things, and your name will stay out of trouble -- and out of the police blotter. All the larcenous teenagers, drugged-out shoplifters, and drunk naked people will have to get by without you.

But you can always read about them here.